So What do I want to DO?

One question I get asked a lot when I tell people I just graduated or that I need a job is, "Well, what do you want to do?" I can't figure out why this question is so difficult for me to answer, but it really is. Sometimes I want to answer that there isn't much I don't want to do! I am interested in so many things which makes focusing in on one discipline nearly impossible for me. On top of that, Many of the things I'd like to do require more education, and while I could go to school forever I just can't see taking out one more loan!

Like I said in an earlier post, I have a Masters degree in Theology. I chose that field because at one time, I was really interested in tackling some of the problems within the church regarding how clergy and congregation members handle interpersonal violence. Prior to my graduate work I worked for a non-profit agency, The Center for Victims of Violence and Crime. I loved my job there. It was challenging and even heart breaking at times, but it was very rewarding. I used to get so frustrated with the response of many churches and church leaders that we worked with. I couldn't believe how many women would tell us that when they sought the help of pastors, elders, etc for guidance regarding a physically abusive husband, they'd hear things like, pray for your husband, submit to him more, and do not disgrace him by telling others. It used to make my head spin with rage that people of God could be so damaging and downright stupid.

Another time I offered to present a free program to a Religious community center for youth on dating violence prevention and was told by a woman there, "We don't believe in sex before marriage so we don't think your program is appropriate for our youth." Uh..pardon me WHAT??? As if helping youth understand the risks of date rape somehow promotes premarital sex!?!?

I was caught between a rock and a hard place. I was committed to the church as a believer and active member, but I could see so much hurt among abused women who sought help from the church, and so much denial in regards to the problems youth faced in dating reltionships. At the same time, I would hear criticism from other church goers, because the organization I worked for "wasn't Christian." Never mind that our organization was the only comprehensive victim service agency in Allegheny County. Never mind that I couldn't find ANY faith based institution in the state of Pennsylvania that helped victims of sexual or domestic violence, and never mind that our secular non-profit agency was often left to clean up the mess created by well intentioned but ill informed pastors. The whole thing just drove me crazy.

So I set off to seminary partly to understand what the nuts and bolts are that fuel people to think the way they do, and partly to gain an education that would give me credibility so that I could challenge systems within the church that failed victims of violence.

The only problem was that I did not figure in the existential crisis I came across while pursuing my theological education. I did not expect my beliefs to be challenged to the degree that they were, and I did not expect my doubts to increase with my depths of study. But that is the way it happened. Now I am faced with the reality that I have a degree in theology, very little faith in what I used to have faith in, and absolutely no desire at all whatsoever to work in or with a church.

I suppose I still have a heart for victims of violence though, but not in the same way. I am not as interested in direct service. At this point I am more interested in fighting for funding of such programs and raising awareness that such services exist. Maybe. I don't know.

At times I just don't want anything to do with people who are hurting. I want to just escape from it. That's what was going through my head I think when I looked into being a franchise owner of a party store. I love parties. All kinds of parties. I love planning, attending, and decorating for parties. I love getting dressed up for parties, and I love meeting new people or seeing old friends at parties. And who doesn't? Yeah, parties are good. I think it would be rare to go home from a day of helping someone plan a party with a heavy heart and a sense of hopelessness for the world. Just a guess.

When I am not thinking about being an advocate for victims of violence or the owner of a party store, I also think about being a college professor (teaching on Women's studies, Sacred art, Race in America), a floral designer, a business owner (reupholstering furniture/implementing green/recycled elements in interior design), being a museum curator, a dean of a university or a dance therapist (helping people in crisis by teaching them how to salsa). Some of those things require more schooling, I know.

Those would be my big picture kind of jobs.

Jobs I wouldn't mind doing in the meantime are pretty vast. I would love to try something different, something outdoors like farming. I can be administrative so I could go that route too. I watch my friends' kids from time to time and I think I am pretty good at it, and I enjoy it. I'd do well at a job in some kind of hospitality field like catering, serving, or party planning. I may also offer my services as a Christmas decorator this year. I heart decorating for the holidays.